(Self-)Validation

Skyline half marathon, Utah, 2022

When I give my youngest daughter what she wants, she immediately pours on the praise. “You are the best mom. You are the most favorite mom I ever had. You are my bestest mom!” She hugs and kisses and snuggles me—literally, climbing into my lap—beaming with joy and gratitude. Conversely, when I do not acquiesce her requests, I am immediately “The worst mom! You are not a fun mom! You are a very bad mom! I am not going to listen to you anymore!”

If I were seeking my 5-year-old’s validation, I’d believe her, and my inner world would be rocked by her. I might try to give her what she requested in an immediate effort to return to harmony as quickly as possible. In turn, I would create a 5-year-old (12-year-old … 17-yr-old …) terror.

In the practice of differentiation—staying true to what I believe is best, while remaining connected to her—in her moment of despair, I would not first ask, “Does my 5-year old think I am a good mom?” Rather, I would take a pause—a personal inventory—and ask, “Do I believe I am a good mom? Am I making a good choice for her and our family system?”

In therapy, we practice differentiation—coming to know one’s own mind and heart—and making (difficult) decisions from a position of clarity, rather than from worry or a mind filled with cloudy, validation-seeking. When we practice differentiation, our worlds become less rocked by others’ words and actions and we stay calm, regulated, even content when, for example, the 5-year-old tantrums over not being fed candy bars for dinner.